A Letter To You
by pearlchavez
Summary: This letter is harder to write than it should be.  There are so many things I want to say to you and I just don't know how...


**Author's Note: Hello lovelies – I got yet another idea and I had to write it down right away. Well, it was an original piece of fiction, but again I applied it to my favourite SWAC couple. Let me know what you think :) **

Dear Chad,

This letter is harder to write than it should be. I've been meaning to write it for some time, but I suppose it means more today. Maybe writing it today will express what I want to express. That's a stupid way to put it actually, but then again I don't know what I'm actually trying to write. There are so many things I want to say to you and I just don't know how. People say that writing it is so much easier than saying it, but I think they're wrong. I've stepped away from this computer just thinking of the look on your face as you read my words, but I would much rather imagine the worst you could say than imagine what might happen if you never receive this letter. So, here goes.

I graduated college today. I don't expect you to know that, because we haven't talked for a really long time so don't worry about a late congratulations or anything. It feels weird to say that I am now qualified to teach Psychology. I thought at first that I might do some research and discover the cure to a crippling mental illness, but as the years went on I realised Psychology isn't as simple as that. Nothing is as simple as that. So I've decided to teach in high school hoping that I might inspire kids to realise the impossible is possible.

I didn't think I would ever be a teacher, but then again I didn't think I would ever gain a qualification in Psychology. Do you remember how much I hated Miss Bitterman's attempt to teach Psychology? Well actually, you probably don't. Anyway, I really hated anything to do with the mind. When we were younger we used to make fun of some of the psychologist's names. I wonder if I'll ever be a name that people will make fun of; it's not likely with the name Sonny Munroe, is it? Then again, kids can make fun of anything.

How do you like New York? I've always wanted to come over and visit just to see what it's like, because I figure I want to move to Manhattan at some point. I'm not sure if that would be inappropriate – I'm sorry, is my nervousness coming through? It's just been so long Chad and I'm well aware that things are different between us now. Anyway, let me know, because we could have a lot of fun in New York. I never took you for a city boy, but then again living in Hollywood it's hard to imagine anyone moving out to the other city. God, I'm making this whole thing sound like the plot of a Broadway show.

How's your job Chad? My mom heard from your mom that you'd become the star of a new movie adapted from your favourite book. Congratulations, but I'm not surprised; you always loved reading that book. I remember when you read it all in one dayand I continue to be thoroughly impressed. I was out with a friend the other day and she told me that I have really depressing taste because I always seem to go for books where people are oppressed and lovers are doomed. I could diagnose myself, but I don't really want to.

I also heard that you've met someone and I just want to tell you how great I think that is. I know it's taken you a long time to start dating again. Your mom said that her name's Gemma and you really like her. She didn't give me any details, so when/_if_ you reply I need details, because that's what friends do. Friends tell each other things that happen in their lives. I've been in college working my ass off for about five years so it's been impossible for me to meet anyone, but there's this one guy that won't give up on me. His name's Todd and he majored in Physics and some other science subject I can't remember right now. He's asked me out for years now and I don't know whether I've left it too late to say yes. I don't even know if I want to say yes.

It's getting harder for me to distract you with different subjects so I think I better write what I intended to write all along. It's hard Chad; it's been hard for over five years now. People say time is supposed to heal all wounds and I think they're right to an extent, but five years has never really healed my wounds. I keep asking so many questions that I know you can't answer. I think that's what kills me most; knowing that I'll never fully understand what happened that day. No, I think the thing that kills me most is you not knowing just how much that day hurts me. I know you won't understand what I'm going to tell you, but if I don't tell you this I think I might combust.

You were angry with me that day. You'd seen me talking to the guy I'd been with for three years and you were insecure. I didn't understand that and I think if I had I might not need to write you this letter today. I remember you telling me that you didn't like him because I broke up with him and he was still crazy in love with me. I think you were worried that he would lure me back and I just want you to know that would never have happened. I broke up with him because I fell in love with you. The night you told me that you'd pined for me – yes you used the word 'pined' – since I started at Condor Studios told me everything I didn't realise I wanted to know.

You just need to know that I was so happy when you kissed me that night. I think my mom was happy though, because let's face it; parents don't think that boys and girls can be friends at our age – or any age for that matter. I really didn't see it even though it had been staring me in the face the whole time. I told you that if you'd told me long ago then Hayden would never have been in the picture. I suppose you thought that your feelings might disappear, but I'm so glad they didn't.

I guess you didn't want to believe anything other than yourself though, because that day I told you all this. I told you that I loved you, but you looked away from me. You have no idea how much I wish I never talked to Hayden. I lie in my bed at night looking at my cracked ceiling and wondering why I felt compelled to ask him how he was doing. I would never have even looked at him if I knew what was coming next.

The day I lost you still feels like a nightmare I'm still waiting to wake up from. It just didn't seem real and it still doesn't feel like it's happening to me. When the doctor told us what was wrong it didn't sound like something that happened to anyone. All I could think about was how I shouldn't have let you storm out and get into your car, because people do stupid things when they lose their temper. Everyday I wish I had stopped you.

I'm not going to lie to you Chad; you're the reason I left _So Random_, and started looking intensely into Psychology. My parents couldn't understand it, but I felt like I needed to do something. I felt so guilty every time I saw your parents, and I suppose I wanted to atone in some way. I recently told them all this and they say they never blamed me, but I blamed me. I still blame me.

Remember how I told you that I thought I'd find a cure for a crippling mental illness and change the world? Well it was all because of you Chad. I didn't tell my lecturers that though, because I didn't want them to shock me with reality. I wanted to believe that I could change the world and that I could bring you back to me.

That's why I'm writing this letter Chad. I've realised that I can't change anything just because I've got a fancy qualification in that field. I've clung on to lost hope for five years now, but I think it's time that I let go. I don't want to let go. A huge part of me wants to continue hoping, but I think I need to realise that you're never coming back to me. I used to find it so hard understanding that one little head injury cost you every memory you ever had. Now I understand it, but it doesn't make it any easier. In fact, it's only gotten harder. I used to delude myself thinking you'd wake up one day and remember, but now I know the truth. I've lost you. You're never coming back to me and I need to accept that.

I'm not going to lie; it wasn't easy writing that. I don't expect a reply. I just had to tell you. I don't know what else to say so I'll let someone else say it:

"_If a man were to know the end of this day's business ere it come; But it suffice that the day will end, and then the end is known. If we meet again, well then we'll smile, and if not then this parting was well made."_

Yours,

Sonny

**Author's Note: I thought it was a little out there, but sometimes you need to get a bit out of your comfort zone I guess. Let me know what you guys think! I appreciate every review! :)**


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